Der Rebbe Zol Gezunt Zein (Yiddish: The Rebbe should be well) is all I could hope for when the confusion starts.
Coming from a family very close to the Rebbe, I often visited him and somehow – from a family of 12 siblings, I was the closest to him. Many times he approached me directly, asked other members of the family or even Binyomin Klein about me. During my childhood and in the years before the Rebbe’s first stoke, I wrote to him about every thing, small as big, in my life. I wrote to him about a dream I had, about a teacher I didn’t like, about another chapter in Tanya I learned, the death of a small chick I tried to grow or about the new colors in my bedroom.
I wrote and always received an answer but when I needed him most – all I could do is sing and pray that Der Rebbe Zol Gezunt Zein. Around me were many boys that as me, started to discover their body but they all seems to be sharing something that left me out. Der Rebbe Zol Gezunt Zein, I begged and then came Gimel Tamuz and I was left alone.
In the years to come I wished to die. Towards the end of Yeshive Ktane it was almost obvious to me that I’m different. Damaged and unrepairable. I studied harder, learn more and more MA’AMORIM. Tried to hold on and be a better CHOSID but even the psychiatrist treatment I’ve been taken to after getting caught by the mashpia didn’t help. Confuse and miserable came the time when my father started to speak with me about getting married. He was aware about my queerness and while still hoping to somehow fix me he said: “just be on the outside like everybody else”. I couldn’t. Been always a outspoken person, I couldn’t see myself living the secret and when told my father that I don’t want to hear about the shidduch he had in mind, he realized that the years of beating me and sending me to the psychiatrist are ending with no success and he kicked me out of the house, forbidding the entire family from having any contact with me.
16 years later and I’m not part of the Chabad’s community. I tried to the best of my abilities to contact my family but finally gave up. I’m happy, sharing my life with a great partner but the pain caused by losing my family and community is still alive.
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